Gratitude

I am so thankful to have been raised in such a great family. Me and my Dad are very close and spend lots of time together, my Mum is the sweetest most unconditionally loving person I have ever known, and my brother is one of my best friends and was best man at my wedding.

I am also so very thankful for my wife, who makes me laugh every day, and is always devoted and affectionate, and loves me with her whole heart, and for my baby son, who brings sheer raw joy like I've never known with his wide gleeful smile, and his coos and chuckles.

It's a privilege to be part of a church family too. Being a Christian is like a passport to finding a welcome in whatever town I find myself in, whether in the UK or the US. There is always a church, and almost always a warm greeting, cup of tea and conversation.

How anyone could ever be abusive to their child is utterly beyond me, although I suppose I haven't been on the receiving end of it in my life and so don't have a warped view of parenthood. 'Hurt people hurt people', is a true saying, and my life so far has been no bed of roses, dealing with anxiety attacks, depression and all that for most of it, but if it came down to a choice between having none of the medical issues I have to deal with, or having none of the family I have been blessed with, I wouldn't have a second's hesitation in choosing to have my family every time. The good stuff definitely outweighs the bad stuff, by a long long shot.

What a terrible thing it must be to be that person who continually sabotages themselves, and their relationships with family members. It must be a bitter pill to swallow. I really hope I never do anything to wreck the wonderful thing that is my family.

Benefits, Taxes, Classes, Capped Charges, Obligation, Morals and Me

The UK has a typical class system based on earnings. The poor end of Working Class survive mainly because of benefits such as Tax Credits, Housing Benefit, Child Benefit, Council Tax Benefit, Income Support etc.

These benefits are paid for by the government's fairly high tax on the Middle Class, and astronomical tax on the Upper Class, so quite often those people feel that they are basically paying for the survival of the poor and the lazy, and being penalized for being successful.

I am currently a member of the poorer end of Working Class, not because I am lazy, or because I am thick and incapable of finding a well-paid job, but because I am about to go to University for 4 years. It is likely that once I graduate with a Masters, I will be able to earn a very good income from the jobs which will then be available to me.

Whilst sympathizing with the Upper Class's resentment of their paying for the survival of alot of lazy people via benefits (which is probably true, alongside those with a genuine need and right to these benefits), I do think it is still right that they pay the taxes which they do.

Life is not fair at all. Somewhere in our teenage years or earlier the less sheltered of us figure that out, and the particularly unfortunate discover it much earlier. Some people are born with a brilliant mind, into a loving and wealthy family, who use their wealth with wisdom and support and nourish their children towards a fulfilling and very well-paid career, while some people are born into abusive homes in terrible neighbourhoods, are bullied, are unintelligent, and have very little skill in anything. Its just the luck of the draw. None of us chose our circumstances, we were just born into them utterly randomly.

It could be that the brilliant and wealthy child uses his abilities and connections to get a good job, into which he puts 100% effort. It could also be that the unintelligent and unskilled child also uses his limited abilities and limited connections to get a feeble job, into which he also puts 100% effort. Does either child deserve to survive more than the other? No. If they are already giving 100% is there anything more they could do? No. Is it fair, therefore, that people should be penalized for the class they were born into? Should anyone be penalized for something they did not choose nor had any control over? Absolutely not.

So who should shoulder the responsibility of providing much needed funds to life's less privileged? We probably all should, even those fellow poor should pay even a little tax towards the communal pot. Surely those who are wealthy and blessed with a luxurious lifestyle should be willing to pay a higher tax level so that those who are not so privileged, or who were not born with those abilities can have food, clothing, shelter and one or two creature comforts. 'From those to whom much is given, much is expected'.

Of course there will always be those who just abuse the system by signing on the dole and getting all the benefits when they are perfectly capable of working and doing their bit for their family and society, and they are the ones, I believe, who the Upper Class and much of the Middle Class are so resentful about having to support via taxes. However, if the tax system is changed so that this is no longer the case, then those underprivileged who have a legitimate claim to help will be denied, and we would be throwing the baby out with the bath water so to speak.

The tax system also pays for the majority of University tuition fees, capping the amount which is charged at around three and a half grand per year for British Citizens. Oxford and Cambridge have been campaigning to remove the cap, but my issue with that, is again the removal of opportunity for the working classes to get qualified and to rise above their position.

Without the cap it would be increasingly difficult to get qualified and to have serious goals and ambitions to have a high flying career. The same opportunities should be available to everyone, and once I have my degree, and have completed University study to whichever level I decide, I hope I never resent paying the higher bracket of income tax, because without the current system, I would not have been able to get there.

Winter, London, and the Future

The weather has just started to turn this last week or so, and a cold edge has started to come in (thank God). Wont be long now til the weather is becoming decidedly winterish, til we start making family plans, wearing thick coats and scarves, and buying in bottles of festive liquor... This year if I can I want to make it through to Richmond for the turning on of the Christmas Tree Lights, where they give out hot drinks and glasses of sherry in the freezing weather. Awesomeness...

Two Christmases ago we were in Richmond (one of the most magical places in the world) for New Years Eve, and as it drew near to midnight we left the pub we were in and went to the town centre, where there must've been 200 people all gathered round the town Obelisk, counting down the last minute, then cheering, hugging and kissing. It was cool. We might do it again this year.

It will seem like no time till I am looking back on this blog and have completed my course. Hopefully I will have my masters too, and maybe we will live in London. I want to experience Christmas in London, I want to walk through trafalgar square when it is snowing, wrapped up in a warm coat with my family, holding a black umbrella, watching the cabs drive past, and planning a hot meal when we get back to the house involving several courses infront of a roaring log fire...

Into the second third & Joel Rolls

Well, tomorrow I turn 27, which, as my Dad says quite often, is a significant age.
In the UK the average life expectancy is fractionally below 80 years at the moment. This means, that I have now left the first third of my time on earth behind me, and am into the second third. It feels like it too.
I feel like an adult now, almost entirely, which is weird.
Im now a husband, and a father. I think perhaps the significance of this birthday is that being a youth of any description is finally 100% gone. If the first third was childhood and youth, I suspect the next one will be family man time. From the prime of adulthood through to being middle aged, 27 - 54. Then maybe the last one will be being a grandparent, going from middle aged to elderly, from 54 - 81 (if I'm lucky!)

Today Joel rolled over from his back to his front four or five times, and back again, for the first time. It was incredible to watch. He also fed himself (very clumsily) with a baby spoon a few times today, another first!
As me and Sydney walked back from Morrisons this evening, she was carrying Joel over her shoulder while I wheeled the pushchair and carried the shopping. He was looking back at he over her shoulder with beautiful, wide, intelligent eyes, and giving me these huge joyous open-mouthed grins - it made me so happy. I realised in that moment that I want a big family. I want more children, and (Im glad to say) so does Sydney.

I wonder what I will feel and think when I start approaching 35, 40, and those years when apparently the old mid-life crisis is supposed to hit. What will I do between now and then? Will I look back with bitter regret or with pride? I think I've done pretty OK in the first third, I think for the most part I have tried to put God first, and at the end of the day, that is the main thing. For the first third it was very much all about me, as I was a youth, single, and pretty much just finding my way. The second third is going to be very different.

I am aware that if and when we have a larger family, the things I do will impact my children so hugely that it's terrifying. I know that I can scar a kid by losing my temper just once, there are times I might get angry or be flippant that will never leave their memories, and be upsetting to remember right through into their adulthood. In another 27 years Im going to have to look back over how I handled being a dad, and all the mistakes I'm pretty much going to make (being an imperfect human). I wonder if Ill be able to look back positively next time. Maybe, but only by Gods grace.

A Funny One...

Good things

Last few years I have been dealing with RLS, which is Restless Leg Syndrome, meaning when Im trying to sleep my legs and lower back are constantly agitated and can only be relieved by exercise (not ideal when trying to sleep). After a little research online I found out that anti-histamines can cause this condition. I had been taking them everyday because i have allergic reactions, but I stopped taking them and the RLS is gone! Woop! RLS is like torture, if I had to choose between a broken limb or RLS, it'd be the limb.

Anyhoo, that is really good news and something to be very happy about for me! I can sleep without being in constant discomfort! OW!

I hate having to take pills or medication for anything. I'd love to be free of all of them.

Other good stuff that has happened these last few days - I got a new netbook for my birthday :) which I am typing this from, (bought a used refurbished one, which arrived in mint condition and was £400 cheaper than brand new),got a new vacuum cleaner (I am a weird bloke - I love to know the place is clean and tidy, and am slightly obsessive about it), we got a darling little 9 weeks old kitten (she is black semi-long haired, very sweet natured, and we've named her sophie), we got some great new chairs for the house at an incredibly low price, Joel had his first feed of real food today (apple sauce type baby stuff - he dig it mama), our back yard which was formerly just 4 walls of brick and concrete, and a cracked concrete floor is now taking shape with some trees, some outdoor seating, and some plants and things. I made a call today and found out I have been approved for student financing to go to Uni in exactly 10 weeks, and I cannot wait!!!!

We found a fairly unusual cable at tescos for £4 which enabled us to hook up our stereo system to the tv, anwatch movies with incredible sound, which has also been awesome.

All in all, it's been a really good few days.

Wrecking Balls

We people, we're just wrecking balls
Damaging each other
It doesn't matter whether
We mean to or not

Sometimes all we can hope for 
Is that were dealing with our issues
Faster than were picking
New ones up

When did life become so conflicted?
We walk on tiptoe so we won't be rejected
There's life love and laughter that's shot underneath
With a hidden current of the bittersweet

Each time we touch each other
Unless we do it gently
We smash some kind of wound
And leave it there to heal

If you're one of those who are lucky
with people around who love you
I'm pretty sure I can tell you
Its going to be ok