Why Wikipedia Is Awful/Awesome

I printscreen captured this from wikipedia. Observe the accurate lyrics (click the pic to enlarge).

Are You A Pillar Of The British Empire?

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have a huge bushy moustache, and wear tweed jackets.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you smoke a pipe and reminisce about being stationed in Africa.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you use the word 'droll' instead of 'funny'

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you drank so much rum with the brigadier during the war that your nose glows like a reindeer.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you describe your opponents as cads, bounders, and beastly rotters.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you demand some figgy pudding.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you regularly shout the word 'BALDERDASH'

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you  have ever leaned over to a complete stranger and said 'boi-oi-oi-oi-oing', raising your eyebrows suggestively.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have ever bellowed 'Wife! Stoke the fire!'

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have an outdated racist term for everyone outside of your English county.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you refer to America as 'the colonies'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you consider trapping needlessly respectful younger people into listening to long rambling semi-incomprehensible monologues for hours at a time 'a corking good night out'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you think they should bring back flogging.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you say things like 'my teacher used to beat me with the cane every twenty seconds until I was 50, and it never did me any harm'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you think that young people listening to their crazy jazz records will inevitably lead to widespread drunkeness and the general collapse of civilised society.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you will only drink a cup of tea if it has been placed before you in a position which compliments the symmetry of the table.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you regularly use the phrase 'I dare say' more than eight times in any given sentence.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have ever referred to the Prime Minister as an imbecile.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you went to public school.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you look like a morbidly obese pig forced into a five-sizes-too-small tuxedo when you go out to eat.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you determine your bank manager's worth solely by how pompously he pronounces your name.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you equate the word 'common' with 'bad'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you wear a bow-tie to work.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if it is your fondest philanthropic hope to one day civilise savages.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you tell your children 'the Queen Mother wouldn't do that'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you get all hot, flustered, red in the face, stammering and awkward in the presence of an attractive younger member of the opposite sex.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if someone who beat you at a game definitely cheated.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you wear a white judges wig to Tescos.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you think poor people chose to be that way, and should be punished for making such an ill-advised decision.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you fart loudly at the dinner table, don't apologise, and glare menacingly at everyone else as if daring them to mention it.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you describe working class people as 'the criminal class'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you refer to the opposite sex of any age as 'strumpet'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have piles.

Band Names

Me and my mates Su-Ling, Sterling and Swiss Simon have a band, but we haven't got a name yet. Here are some of the suggestions that made the shortlist...

Songbird
Awkward Noodle
Flooky Blooke Kookaburra From Wagga Wagga, Bruce.
Canary In A Cage
Flaming Songbird Of Death
Post-It Poets
Secret Serenades
Ebenezer and the Funky Clam
Galloping Senility
Big Pimpin' and The Hose
Pimp Stick
Blitzkreig Songbird
Electric Banana
Songbird Negotiation
Angel Armada
Songbird Cave
Cuckoo in a Blender
Aggressive Llama
Stoning Songbirds
Calypso Poltergeist
Songbirds and Tsunamis
Songbirds and Cyanide
Songbirds and Stamps
Songbirds and Samaurais
Songbirds and Soundwaves
Songbirds and Sillhouettes
Songbirds and Shadows

In the end we went with the considerably less imaginitive (but potentially less insane) 'Blackbird'. I like it.

Sydney's Childhood Life-Plan

Sydney (my wife) wrote this when she was 8.

It is extremely cute :)

To see it full size, just click the picture.

Sydney Witing.
Sundown Oct 5 1995


My Job


When I grow up I might want to be a loyer. 
To be a loyer I will need to have a jug.
I might have to sometimes wark in a cort room.
Of cors I will need a jury.
I will need clients.
Every loyer needs lots of school.
I will need a prosacuter.
When I become a loyer I will mostly just help people.
And I will help people that are geting soed.

Teacher's Notes - I hope you will become a lawyer, Sydney! I think you'd be very good at that job! :) Mrs Major.


Translation Key

loyer = Lawyer
jug = Judge
wark = Work
cort = Court
soed = Sued

Some Awesome Childhood Compositions

Rooting around in my folders, I found two ridiculous but amusing 'poems' which me and two friends wrote at school aged 14ish... These are so goofy, they still make me laugh out loud though. This is pretty much what comes of watching waaay too much Monty Python.
And here they are.

Ode to Moose

Oh ye awesome Moose

Yea, ye make stupid noisesome pestilence,

But thy majestic horns doeth get entangled in tree.

Ye art tracked down, for sooth,

And thy almighty name would be takeneth in vain,

But ye hold strong,

And ye ram thy horns into hunters rump.

Alas! Thy prey doeth need plastic surgeon,

But legendary Moose will prevail,

Faint heart never won fair Moose,

And thy noble antlers art stucketh in gorse bush,

ha ha ha ha ha.

The Pigeon Poem

O yea ye wondrous Pigeon

What feathers lie upon thy flesh?

Ye big fat piece o' lard are ye,

And coloursome are ye.

Yea, ye fly o'er abundant hills,

But yea, ye lose caliber,

Thy rhythmic flaps wit' many a coo

Ye are but yayself an handsome bird.

O'er many a mile yay're eyes doeth hast seen,

Beholding thy nest art the furrows of ye're eye lids

And ye fall off branch,

Into cow pat.

Arr.

A short but very, very funny post...

This made me laugh... had to copy and re-post it!

Is Jenna Maroney ( 30 Rock) based on Amy Poehler and Tammy Swanson (Parks and Recreation) based on Tina Fey Bossypants?

I just finished reading 'Bossypants' by Tina Fey, her 'autobiography/not really an autobiography/blandly humourous commentary on disconnected parts of her life/excessively political and feminist agenda'. It was actually quite a good, easy read, and at no point was I bored. I did also laugh out loud 2 or 3 times. She does (accidentally maybe) paint a sort-of mean spirited cut-throat picture of herself as someone who sold her soul to be a success, and also interestingly the book leaves out any detail of how she met, dated and married her husband, and almost any detail about how she transitioned from working at a reception desk at a YMCA in Chicago to being head writer at Saturday Night Live, which leaves the reader feeling slightly suspcious about these events which are so conspicuously absent from the book. The picture which the mind forms of Tina Fey from her writing is one of a very clever and funny, but ruthless and ambitous-to-a-fault lady, who you would not put it past to have committed shenanigans in attaining both hubby and job...

This highly judgemental theory I have come to, also helps with my theory that somewhere along the line, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler fell out, and that they are now maliciously parodying one another on their respective hit shows. In 30 Rock, Jenna Maroney is a blonde co-star/co-worker with Liz Lemon (Fey). In the fictional world of 30 Rock, Lemon and Maroney came up through a Chicago Improv Group (as did Fey and Poehler), before both joining the team of TGS (SNL in real life), one as a blonde star (Maroney/Poehler), and one as the writer (Lemon/Fey). At first I thought maybe this was just a coincidence, until I got caught up on Poehler's 'Parks and Recreation', which (is great and) is written and produced by the same guys who made the US version of The Office. I noticed that the demented psiren Tammy Swanson (ex-wife of the almighty moustachioed Ron) looks very like (uncannily like) Tina Fey, and is a cut-throat manipulator who will literally use anyone or anything and do anything to anyone or anything to get her way.

So are Tammi Swanson and Jenna Maroney actually malicious mockeries of one another being batted back and forth like a tennis ball by Fey and Poehler?
Are they actually a bit of best-friends-banter between two enlightened feminists who are having a laugh with one another?
Or am I just reading a whole load of nonsense into something which isnt actually there?
Probably.

Some Joel Stuff

Joel ate a 'You are what you eat' fridge magnet last weekend. Which seems an ironic and poetic sentence upon the arrogant magnet for being so cocky.

Also his list of bizarre foods has been expanded somewhat - he's eaten raw compost, blue pool cue chalk, chunks of his bath sponge, cat food, and the black cushiony felt that goes on toddler swings in the play park. Gross.

He's taken to wandering around saying 'bug-a-bug-a-bug-a-bug-a', and also said 'Billion Milligan Butt-Gun' for no good reason the other day, which has to be a name of a band in the future, or there is simply no justice in the world.

Funniosities from kids exam papers

Facebook Chortles

A Funny One...

baby talk

For those struggling to understand their infant, here are a few answers to that timeless question "what on earth are you trying to say?"

Poonee - spoon

Bardee - bus
Puganeenee - pudding

Sockaseesee - sausage

Baboo - balloon

Wabbabee - jabba the hutt

Geeves - what ho jeeves

Agoo - hello daddy, I am delighted to see you, thankyou for working so hard today to provide for me and mummy

Waaaaaaaaaa - I say, I do appear to have soiled myself most thoroughly, and would find it decidedly convenient if you would wipe all the excrement off my private regions, and change my underwear, there's a good fellow.

Geegee - ah, you made a humorous face! How amusing

Uuoowaaann - I feel the overwhelning urge to flail my limbs about wildly.

Waaaaaaaaaa - By Jove, I am parched of hunger, and demand sustenance forthwith, and at the double.

Cooooo - pretty colours!

Errrrrr - I know you have been rocking me for the past 5 hours, but this does not mean I will allow you to stop. Kindly resume, or I will begin foaming at the mouth.

Booby - teddy bear

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - I'm not really sure what I want, but Ill be confounded if I'm going to let you get away with not giving it to me.

Please bear in mind that in a baby's world there only exist 2 states of being - crying, and about to cry.

Happy parenting!