Winter, London, and the Future

The weather has just started to turn this last week or so, and a cold edge has started to come in (thank God). Wont be long now til the weather is becoming decidedly winterish, til we start making family plans, wearing thick coats and scarves, and buying in bottles of festive liquor... This year if I can I want to make it through to Richmond for the turning on of the Christmas Tree Lights, where they give out hot drinks and glasses of sherry in the freezing weather. Awesomeness...

Two Christmases ago we were in Richmond (one of the most magical places in the world) for New Years Eve, and as it drew near to midnight we left the pub we were in and went to the town centre, where there must've been 200 people all gathered round the town Obelisk, counting down the last minute, then cheering, hugging and kissing. It was cool. We might do it again this year.

It will seem like no time till I am looking back on this blog and have completed my course. Hopefully I will have my masters too, and maybe we will live in London. I want to experience Christmas in London, I want to walk through trafalgar square when it is snowing, wrapped up in a warm coat with my family, holding a black umbrella, watching the cabs drive past, and planning a hot meal when we get back to the house involving several courses infront of a roaring log fire...

Into the second third & Joel Rolls

Well, tomorrow I turn 27, which, as my Dad says quite often, is a significant age.
In the UK the average life expectancy is fractionally below 80 years at the moment. This means, that I have now left the first third of my time on earth behind me, and am into the second third. It feels like it too.
I feel like an adult now, almost entirely, which is weird.
Im now a husband, and a father. I think perhaps the significance of this birthday is that being a youth of any description is finally 100% gone. If the first third was childhood and youth, I suspect the next one will be family man time. From the prime of adulthood through to being middle aged, 27 - 54. Then maybe the last one will be being a grandparent, going from middle aged to elderly, from 54 - 81 (if I'm lucky!)

Today Joel rolled over from his back to his front four or five times, and back again, for the first time. It was incredible to watch. He also fed himself (very clumsily) with a baby spoon a few times today, another first!
As me and Sydney walked back from Morrisons this evening, she was carrying Joel over her shoulder while I wheeled the pushchair and carried the shopping. He was looking back at he over her shoulder with beautiful, wide, intelligent eyes, and giving me these huge joyous open-mouthed grins - it made me so happy. I realised in that moment that I want a big family. I want more children, and (Im glad to say) so does Sydney.

I wonder what I will feel and think when I start approaching 35, 40, and those years when apparently the old mid-life crisis is supposed to hit. What will I do between now and then? Will I look back with bitter regret or with pride? I think I've done pretty OK in the first third, I think for the most part I have tried to put God first, and at the end of the day, that is the main thing. For the first third it was very much all about me, as I was a youth, single, and pretty much just finding my way. The second third is going to be very different.

I am aware that if and when we have a larger family, the things I do will impact my children so hugely that it's terrifying. I know that I can scar a kid by losing my temper just once, there are times I might get angry or be flippant that will never leave their memories, and be upsetting to remember right through into their adulthood. In another 27 years Im going to have to look back over how I handled being a dad, and all the mistakes I'm pretty much going to make (being an imperfect human). I wonder if Ill be able to look back positively next time. Maybe, but only by Gods grace.

A Funny One...

Good things

Last few years I have been dealing with RLS, which is Restless Leg Syndrome, meaning when Im trying to sleep my legs and lower back are constantly agitated and can only be relieved by exercise (not ideal when trying to sleep). After a little research online I found out that anti-histamines can cause this condition. I had been taking them everyday because i have allergic reactions, but I stopped taking them and the RLS is gone! Woop! RLS is like torture, if I had to choose between a broken limb or RLS, it'd be the limb.

Anyhoo, that is really good news and something to be very happy about for me! I can sleep without being in constant discomfort! OW!

I hate having to take pills or medication for anything. I'd love to be free of all of them.

Other good stuff that has happened these last few days - I got a new netbook for my birthday :) which I am typing this from, (bought a used refurbished one, which arrived in mint condition and was £400 cheaper than brand new),got a new vacuum cleaner (I am a weird bloke - I love to know the place is clean and tidy, and am slightly obsessive about it), we got a darling little 9 weeks old kitten (she is black semi-long haired, very sweet natured, and we've named her sophie), we got some great new chairs for the house at an incredibly low price, Joel had his first feed of real food today (apple sauce type baby stuff - he dig it mama), our back yard which was formerly just 4 walls of brick and concrete, and a cracked concrete floor is now taking shape with some trees, some outdoor seating, and some plants and things. I made a call today and found out I have been approved for student financing to go to Uni in exactly 10 weeks, and I cannot wait!!!!

We found a fairly unusual cable at tescos for £4 which enabled us to hook up our stereo system to the tv, anwatch movies with incredible sound, which has also been awesome.

All in all, it's been a really good few days.

Wrecking Balls

We people, we're just wrecking balls
Damaging each other
It doesn't matter whether
We mean to or not

Sometimes all we can hope for 
Is that were dealing with our issues
Faster than were picking
New ones up

When did life become so conflicted?
We walk on tiptoe so we won't be rejected
There's life love and laughter that's shot underneath
With a hidden current of the bittersweet

Each time we touch each other
Unless we do it gently
We smash some kind of wound
And leave it there to heal

If you're one of those who are lucky
with people around who love you
I'm pretty sure I can tell you
Its going to be ok

Self-Awareness

When I was in my teens and early twenties I literally thought I could do anything - become fabulously rich and famous, become a rockstar etc etc etc, the usual stuff. It's amazing how little I actually can do. I've discovered, having done both full-time and part-time work, that due to crippling anxiety attacks and depression, I can't sustain 40 hours a week without eventually having a complete meltdown.

I have discovered that, having worked in church and in secular jobs, I much prefer ministry work.

I have come to accept that I will probably never be rich. Rich people work their backsides off, well over 40 hours a week, and that is something that I simply physically can't manage. I might as well abandon riches as a pursuit. It's easy to dress riches up as 'security', but I guess it depends what you are PURSUING primarily. Am I thinking about getting my degree and getting qualified with a primary motive of money? Honestly, yeah I probably am. Is that morally right for a Christian? No idea.

The best and most enjoyable job I have ever had was working for Greggton UMC out in Texas, which was a part-time ministry position as a worship leader. Is there really anything wrong with doing what you can manage and what you are good at?

The single job I am most skilled and equipped for is worship leading, but with that being a non-ordained role, the pay is not very high, and as I can't physically hack 40 hours per week, that reduces the income even further. However, is that what I am meant to do? Is God directing me into something which is His Will by cutting off all the alternatives?

I have settled over the past five years on a view of God as a supervisor watching over the chessboard of our lives, who will sometimes intervene if we are moving too far in the wrong direction. Could it be that all these realizations that I have been coming to are to make it clear that all I can do and be happy is lead worship? I will probably never be rich, as I cant work 40 hours, I will almost definitely never be a famous rock musician, Im too old and definitely the wrong shape!! So with those two temptations aside, what remains?

I suppose the best thing for me to do is to do the thing I'm best at. Try saying that 3 times fast. I believe that God has directed my life path by simply blocking off the tangents I try to pursue, and allowing me to follow the ones which are necessary. If I didn't have acid reflux I would've applied to join the police force when I was 20, but you cant join up if you have any medical conditions requiring regular treatment. The same applies for joining the air-force. I couldn't handle working full-time for Orange, even though I really enjoyed the work, and it is looking like I may not be able attend the degree place Ive been offered at Uni yet again (4th attempt foiled...) for reasons which are out of my control. Perhaps I'm just not supposed to go.

Meh, maybe it's just life being random. Incredible, unexplainable, verging on miraculous coincidences have happened in my life where practically any Christian would say 'that was clearly God', yet they have turned out to be simple coincidences - red herrings which weren't God, and served no purpose other than to illustrate how impossible God can be to hear. So maybe this is simply life being life, who knows. Definitely not me.

baby talk

For those struggling to understand their infant, here are a few answers to that timeless question "what on earth are you trying to say?"

Poonee - spoon

Bardee - bus
Puganeenee - pudding

Sockaseesee - sausage

Baboo - balloon

Wabbabee - jabba the hutt

Geeves - what ho jeeves

Agoo - hello daddy, I am delighted to see you, thankyou for working so hard today to provide for me and mummy

Waaaaaaaaaa - I say, I do appear to have soiled myself most thoroughly, and would find it decidedly convenient if you would wipe all the excrement off my private regions, and change my underwear, there's a good fellow.

Geegee - ah, you made a humorous face! How amusing

Uuoowaaann - I feel the overwhelning urge to flail my limbs about wildly.

Waaaaaaaaaa - By Jove, I am parched of hunger, and demand sustenance forthwith, and at the double.

Cooooo - pretty colours!

Errrrrr - I know you have been rocking me for the past 5 hours, but this does not mean I will allow you to stop. Kindly resume, or I will begin foaming at the mouth.

Booby - teddy bear

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - I'm not really sure what I want, but Ill be confounded if I'm going to let you get away with not giving it to me.

Please bear in mind that in a baby's world there only exist 2 states of being - crying, and about to cry.

Happy parenting!