Its mid-February, and I'm back at Cliff College for the last short period before my graduation later this year. I can't believe I'm coming to the end of my degree at last / already!
For quite a while now I have been somewhat intentionally neglecting this blog, because for a while the majority of my creative writing energies have been going into writing books, translating modern paraphrases of old texts, and writing essays. However, I am at such a monumental crossroads bookmark moment of my life that I feel I would regret it if I didn't make an entry here.
I worked very hard this past three years to get a first, but it's looking more and more likely that I'll only get a 2:1. Ah well. At least I can say I gave it my absolute very best effort, but alas, even my very best efforts when combined with 2 very young infant children, and a pretty unwell wife mean that I'm probably not going to be the one to break the 6-year-long streak of no-one graduating with a first.
And I really have given it everything. After these 2 weeks I have another 6 weeks at home to complete and submit all my essays, and after that I am done. The amount of focus and effort I have put into this degree has really shown in how much I have neglected other areas, specifically fitness and any serious effort at a healthy body and physique. Which is a very diplomatic way of saying that I've become an even bigger fatter git than ever I was when I started.
The various stresses of life have meant that using food as a mood stabilizer has been more and more tempting, and the pressures have mounted and my moods have been in ever increasing need of stabilization. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is so close now, that I am getting excited for all this college pressure to be done and over with so that I can wake up in the morning without any pressure, anxiety or deadlines, with a clear and unburdened mind.
I can really feel the sleep debt and stress avalanche beginning to build up in me. It's a bit like when I lost Grandad; the feelings are very numbed, but I recognize that they are there nevertheless, squashed under the surface, producing their unpleasant fruit and obvious signs & symptoms. I am probably going to need a really good relaxed summer of little to no pressure or responsibility so I can really really relax and unwind, and get into a more mellow and peaceful groove of life, in which the mood swings are considerably less, and therefore the need (and yes it is a need) to use food as a stabilizer will be significantly reduced. In short, once I have rested and recovered, I am going to go to town on getting my body thin and in shape again.
Joel will have started attending day care 5 mornings a week by that time, Caleb will be crawling and or walking and hopefully sleeping through the night, Sydney will (please God) have her driving license and be able to have the independence she needs, and so with any luck all the stress and weary slog of balancing a marriage with a degree with work with parenthood with church with everything else will be reduced right down, meaning that the burden on me is so much lighter.
Every summer between each year of the degree it has been that way; as I have no lectures to attend, textbooks to read (and understand) or essays to write, I have found I can cope with going running again, I can cope with a stricter diet, and with so many more positive practices for a healthy and thin body. Because each summer has been this way, I have a lot of hope that when the degree is completely done, and not even a mild anxiety hovering on the edge of my thoughts, I will be massively freed up even more so than before, and though it will take time, I will get down to my goal (12 stone) and be proud of the way I look again.
signing out...
Jimlad
For quite a while now I have been somewhat intentionally neglecting this blog, because for a while the majority of my creative writing energies have been going into writing books, translating modern paraphrases of old texts, and writing essays. However, I am at such a monumental crossroads bookmark moment of my life that I feel I would regret it if I didn't make an entry here.
I worked very hard this past three years to get a first, but it's looking more and more likely that I'll only get a 2:1. Ah well. At least I can say I gave it my absolute very best effort, but alas, even my very best efforts when combined with 2 very young infant children, and a pretty unwell wife mean that I'm probably not going to be the one to break the 6-year-long streak of no-one graduating with a first.
And I really have given it everything. After these 2 weeks I have another 6 weeks at home to complete and submit all my essays, and after that I am done. The amount of focus and effort I have put into this degree has really shown in how much I have neglected other areas, specifically fitness and any serious effort at a healthy body and physique. Which is a very diplomatic way of saying that I've become an even bigger fatter git than ever I was when I started.
The various stresses of life have meant that using food as a mood stabilizer has been more and more tempting, and the pressures have mounted and my moods have been in ever increasing need of stabilization. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is so close now, that I am getting excited for all this college pressure to be done and over with so that I can wake up in the morning without any pressure, anxiety or deadlines, with a clear and unburdened mind.
I can really feel the sleep debt and stress avalanche beginning to build up in me. It's a bit like when I lost Grandad; the feelings are very numbed, but I recognize that they are there nevertheless, squashed under the surface, producing their unpleasant fruit and obvious signs & symptoms. I am probably going to need a really good relaxed summer of little to no pressure or responsibility so I can really really relax and unwind, and get into a more mellow and peaceful groove of life, in which the mood swings are considerably less, and therefore the need (and yes it is a need) to use food as a stabilizer will be significantly reduced. In short, once I have rested and recovered, I am going to go to town on getting my body thin and in shape again.
Joel will have started attending day care 5 mornings a week by that time, Caleb will be crawling and or walking and hopefully sleeping through the night, Sydney will (please God) have her driving license and be able to have the independence she needs, and so with any luck all the stress and weary slog of balancing a marriage with a degree with work with parenthood with church with everything else will be reduced right down, meaning that the burden on me is so much lighter.
Every summer between each year of the degree it has been that way; as I have no lectures to attend, textbooks to read (and understand) or essays to write, I have found I can cope with going running again, I can cope with a stricter diet, and with so many more positive practices for a healthy and thin body. Because each summer has been this way, I have a lot of hope that when the degree is completely done, and not even a mild anxiety hovering on the edge of my thoughts, I will be massively freed up even more so than before, and though it will take time, I will get down to my goal (12 stone) and be proud of the way I look again.
signing out...
Jimlad
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