Are You A Pillar Of The British Empire?

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have a huge bushy moustache, and wear tweed jackets.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you smoke a pipe and reminisce about being stationed in Africa.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you use the word 'droll' instead of 'funny'

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you drank so much rum with the brigadier during the war that your nose glows like a reindeer.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you describe your opponents as cads, bounders, and beastly rotters.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you demand some figgy pudding.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you regularly shout the word 'BALDERDASH'

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you  have ever leaned over to a complete stranger and said 'boi-oi-oi-oi-oing', raising your eyebrows suggestively.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have ever bellowed 'Wife! Stoke the fire!'

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have an outdated racist term for everyone outside of your English county.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you refer to America as 'the colonies'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you consider trapping needlessly respectful younger people into listening to long rambling semi-incomprehensible monologues for hours at a time 'a corking good night out'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you think they should bring back flogging.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you say things like 'my teacher used to beat me with the cane every twenty seconds until I was 50, and it never did me any harm'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you think that young people listening to their crazy jazz records will inevitably lead to widespread drunkeness and the general collapse of civilised society.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you will only drink a cup of tea if it has been placed before you in a position which compliments the symmetry of the table.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you regularly use the phrase 'I dare say' more than eight times in any given sentence.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have ever referred to the Prime Minister as an imbecile.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you went to public school.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you look like a morbidly obese pig forced into a five-sizes-too-small tuxedo when you go out to eat.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you determine your bank manager's worth solely by how pompously he pronounces your name.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you equate the word 'common' with 'bad'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you wear a bow-tie to work.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if it is your fondest philanthropic hope to one day civilise savages.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you tell your children 'the Queen Mother wouldn't do that'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you get all hot, flustered, red in the face, stammering and awkward in the presence of an attractive younger member of the opposite sex.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if someone who beat you at a game definitely cheated.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you wear a white judges wig to Tescos.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you think poor people chose to be that way, and should be punished for making such an ill-advised decision.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you fart loudly at the dinner table, don't apologise, and glare menacingly at everyone else as if daring them to mention it.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you describe working class people as 'the criminal class'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you refer to the opposite sex of any age as 'strumpet'.

You are a pillar of the British Empire if you have piles.