Into the second third & Joel Rolls

Well, tomorrow I turn 27, which, as my Dad says quite often, is a significant age.
In the UK the average life expectancy is fractionally below 80 years at the moment. This means, that I have now left the first third of my time on earth behind me, and am into the second third. It feels like it too.
I feel like an adult now, almost entirely, which is weird.
Im now a husband, and a father. I think perhaps the significance of this birthday is that being a youth of any description is finally 100% gone. If the first third was childhood and youth, I suspect the next one will be family man time. From the prime of adulthood through to being middle aged, 27 - 54. Then maybe the last one will be being a grandparent, going from middle aged to elderly, from 54 - 81 (if I'm lucky!)

Today Joel rolled over from his back to his front four or five times, and back again, for the first time. It was incredible to watch. He also fed himself (very clumsily) with a baby spoon a few times today, another first!
As me and Sydney walked back from Morrisons this evening, she was carrying Joel over her shoulder while I wheeled the pushchair and carried the shopping. He was looking back at he over her shoulder with beautiful, wide, intelligent eyes, and giving me these huge joyous open-mouthed grins - it made me so happy. I realised in that moment that I want a big family. I want more children, and (Im glad to say) so does Sydney.

I wonder what I will feel and think when I start approaching 35, 40, and those years when apparently the old mid-life crisis is supposed to hit. What will I do between now and then? Will I look back with bitter regret or with pride? I think I've done pretty OK in the first third, I think for the most part I have tried to put God first, and at the end of the day, that is the main thing. For the first third it was very much all about me, as I was a youth, single, and pretty much just finding my way. The second third is going to be very different.

I am aware that if and when we have a larger family, the things I do will impact my children so hugely that it's terrifying. I know that I can scar a kid by losing my temper just once, there are times I might get angry or be flippant that will never leave their memories, and be upsetting to remember right through into their adulthood. In another 27 years Im going to have to look back over how I handled being a dad, and all the mistakes I'm pretty much going to make (being an imperfect human). I wonder if Ill be able to look back positively next time. Maybe, but only by Gods grace.

A Funny One...

Good things

Last few years I have been dealing with RLS, which is Restless Leg Syndrome, meaning when Im trying to sleep my legs and lower back are constantly agitated and can only be relieved by exercise (not ideal when trying to sleep). After a little research online I found out that anti-histamines can cause this condition. I had been taking them everyday because i have allergic reactions, but I stopped taking them and the RLS is gone! Woop! RLS is like torture, if I had to choose between a broken limb or RLS, it'd be the limb.

Anyhoo, that is really good news and something to be very happy about for me! I can sleep without being in constant discomfort! OW!

I hate having to take pills or medication for anything. I'd love to be free of all of them.

Other good stuff that has happened these last few days - I got a new netbook for my birthday :) which I am typing this from, (bought a used refurbished one, which arrived in mint condition and was £400 cheaper than brand new),got a new vacuum cleaner (I am a weird bloke - I love to know the place is clean and tidy, and am slightly obsessive about it), we got a darling little 9 weeks old kitten (she is black semi-long haired, very sweet natured, and we've named her sophie), we got some great new chairs for the house at an incredibly low price, Joel had his first feed of real food today (apple sauce type baby stuff - he dig it mama), our back yard which was formerly just 4 walls of brick and concrete, and a cracked concrete floor is now taking shape with some trees, some outdoor seating, and some plants and things. I made a call today and found out I have been approved for student financing to go to Uni in exactly 10 weeks, and I cannot wait!!!!

We found a fairly unusual cable at tescos for £4 which enabled us to hook up our stereo system to the tv, anwatch movies with incredible sound, which has also been awesome.

All in all, it's been a really good few days.

Wrecking Balls

We people, we're just wrecking balls
Damaging each other
It doesn't matter whether
We mean to or not

Sometimes all we can hope for 
Is that were dealing with our issues
Faster than were picking
New ones up

When did life become so conflicted?
We walk on tiptoe so we won't be rejected
There's life love and laughter that's shot underneath
With a hidden current of the bittersweet

Each time we touch each other
Unless we do it gently
We smash some kind of wound
And leave it there to heal

If you're one of those who are lucky
with people around who love you
I'm pretty sure I can tell you
Its going to be ok

Self-Awareness

When I was in my teens and early twenties I literally thought I could do anything - become fabulously rich and famous, become a rockstar etc etc etc, the usual stuff. It's amazing how little I actually can do. I've discovered, having done both full-time and part-time work, that due to crippling anxiety attacks and depression, I can't sustain 40 hours a week without eventually having a complete meltdown.

I have discovered that, having worked in church and in secular jobs, I much prefer ministry work.

I have come to accept that I will probably never be rich. Rich people work their backsides off, well over 40 hours a week, and that is something that I simply physically can't manage. I might as well abandon riches as a pursuit. It's easy to dress riches up as 'security', but I guess it depends what you are PURSUING primarily. Am I thinking about getting my degree and getting qualified with a primary motive of money? Honestly, yeah I probably am. Is that morally right for a Christian? No idea.

The best and most enjoyable job I have ever had was working for Greggton UMC out in Texas, which was a part-time ministry position as a worship leader. Is there really anything wrong with doing what you can manage and what you are good at?

The single job I am most skilled and equipped for is worship leading, but with that being a non-ordained role, the pay is not very high, and as I can't physically hack 40 hours per week, that reduces the income even further. However, is that what I am meant to do? Is God directing me into something which is His Will by cutting off all the alternatives?

I have settled over the past five years on a view of God as a supervisor watching over the chessboard of our lives, who will sometimes intervene if we are moving too far in the wrong direction. Could it be that all these realizations that I have been coming to are to make it clear that all I can do and be happy is lead worship? I will probably never be rich, as I cant work 40 hours, I will almost definitely never be a famous rock musician, Im too old and definitely the wrong shape!! So with those two temptations aside, what remains?

I suppose the best thing for me to do is to do the thing I'm best at. Try saying that 3 times fast. I believe that God has directed my life path by simply blocking off the tangents I try to pursue, and allowing me to follow the ones which are necessary. If I didn't have acid reflux I would've applied to join the police force when I was 20, but you cant join up if you have any medical conditions requiring regular treatment. The same applies for joining the air-force. I couldn't handle working full-time for Orange, even though I really enjoyed the work, and it is looking like I may not be able attend the degree place Ive been offered at Uni yet again (4th attempt foiled...) for reasons which are out of my control. Perhaps I'm just not supposed to go.

Meh, maybe it's just life being random. Incredible, unexplainable, verging on miraculous coincidences have happened in my life where practically any Christian would say 'that was clearly God', yet they have turned out to be simple coincidences - red herrings which weren't God, and served no purpose other than to illustrate how impossible God can be to hear. So maybe this is simply life being life, who knows. Definitely not me.

baby talk

For those struggling to understand their infant, here are a few answers to that timeless question "what on earth are you trying to say?"

Poonee - spoon

Bardee - bus
Puganeenee - pudding

Sockaseesee - sausage

Baboo - balloon

Wabbabee - jabba the hutt

Geeves - what ho jeeves

Agoo - hello daddy, I am delighted to see you, thankyou for working so hard today to provide for me and mummy

Waaaaaaaaaa - I say, I do appear to have soiled myself most thoroughly, and would find it decidedly convenient if you would wipe all the excrement off my private regions, and change my underwear, there's a good fellow.

Geegee - ah, you made a humorous face! How amusing

Uuoowaaann - I feel the overwhelning urge to flail my limbs about wildly.

Waaaaaaaaaa - By Jove, I am parched of hunger, and demand sustenance forthwith, and at the double.

Cooooo - pretty colours!

Errrrrr - I know you have been rocking me for the past 5 hours, but this does not mean I will allow you to stop. Kindly resume, or I will begin foaming at the mouth.

Booby - teddy bear

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa - I'm not really sure what I want, but Ill be confounded if I'm going to let you get away with not giving it to me.

Please bear in mind that in a baby's world there only exist 2 states of being - crying, and about to cry.

Happy parenting!

Politics and the Political Web

There's going to be an election soon, and at 26 I still have no more idea who to vote for than I did at 18. It's bewildering really, trying to access and understand the British political system. I was raised in a fairly middle-class home, did well at school, and am not particularly un-intelligent, but the political parties and what they truly stand for remain a complete mystery to me, a fabric of spin, utterly meaningless promises, ambiguous stances on real issues, and mud slinging.

I took an online test which gives you a pile of questions and then gives you a picture of where on the left-right fascist-anarchist scale you lie. I was fairly amused to find myself closest to the Green Party. "Legalize da 'erb man."

I've spent quite a lot of time studying and researching the various parties, and still being totally lost with it all, have come up with a theory. I think it is quite possible that the main political parties have an 'understanding' where they keep the politics in a language and format only accessible to the upper-middle and upper classes and the aristocracy - ie those over whom they have the most influence. A huge number of the working class don't vote, and neither do a considerable number of the middle class in this country. I think it is quite possible that this is exactly as the government wants it - keep any revolutionist thinking at bay by keeping the majority of voters and those you cannot influence held down with the illusion of being powerless. So many people are totally disillusioned with the thought that their vote makes a difference, and so don't vote. So many people can't understand what the difference is between the conservatives and labour, so they don't vote. I heard a guy in the pub the other day say he was going to vote for the BNP 'because they're the only ones who stand for anything, and there's no real difference between any of the other parties'.

All politicians need to do is make the illusion of encouraging people to vote, by putting up posters here and there, and perhaps saying 'everyone should vote' on the odd TV interview, and then they can seemingly carry on speaking a foreign language in parliament and having an unhealthy amount of influence over those demographics of society most likely to vote.

Don't get me wrong, I love my country, having traveled a lot and lived in other countries I have experienced lots of different cultures within western society, and still love my home country England the best. I think the NHS, University Funding, and foreign policy are outstanding in this country and on a global scale I'm not advocating anarchy, but Id much rather be closer to anarchy than fascism.

Living in the US, in Texas, I had a very different experience of politics. In Texas, people are very often raised to accept a political persuasion on a par with (and intertwined with) the religion they are raised with. To disagree with the party you were raised to support is to betray your American identity. If you're a Texan, you're a Christian, a Republican, a Gun Owner, and (in comparison to the rest of the world) a fanatical patriot. The above should never be questioned or (God forbid) disagreed with, because that would be un-American, and make you a Judas.

So, because they are raised with a religious devotion to their identity, they will often blindly accept what someone as indisputably wise as George W Bush says, as if it were gospel truth. Particularly insane examples of this are - denying global warming is actually happening, the frequent assertion that America is the greatest nation in the world, and a very current one - violently opposing free health care.

Today on the news it is showing that free health care has been pushed through in the States finally by Obama, and also John McCain is saying this decision will come back around to bite him in November, and that there will be a very heavy price to pay for this. I personally don't think so. In the UK, when the NHS was founded there was loads of controversy, but it is now looked back on by all political parties as one of the greatest achievements in British governmental history. I am sure that this will be the case in the states too, and I look forwards to gloating about it and being a cocky Brit to my Texan buddies.

I hope the political future for whichever country I happen to live in is one somewhere between the blind sheep of Texas and the dispirited poor in England. And my personal preference is for something closer to socialism -  'from each according to his ability, to each according to his need'.